Gross #19 (The most foul thing)

I was dancing with some friends last night. There was a terrible smell around us, and it started to get unbearable after a little bit. My friend Jeremy leaned over to me and said:

"It smells like when someone busts in your asshole, and then you poop it out the next morning."

Me, on New Years Eve.

I began the night with so very much hope. I had even put on my sparkly tights.


After going to a few parties and keeping the drinking to a minimum (oh, look, I am an adult) I spent midnight by myself at a party because I was unable to find the people I was supposed to be meeting there. Instead of feeling disappointed or lonely, I felt amazing. As all the strangers surrounding me sucked face, I looked up at the fireworks going off and enjoyed the snow falling all around me. 


This is my year! And I can be whoever I want! And I'm doing great! Praise to the Universe!


Then I found my friends, knocked back all the champagne I could get my hands on, and the night turned.


Here's what I have been able to piece together:


I stole a bunch of tangerines, then gave pieces to everyone I ran into and encouraged them to play my new favorite game: spitting seeds at people. This began at the first party, with the snow machine, so that the seeds blended in with the snow, so no one really noticed.


Then I went to a club where I fell in love with a man who was wearing a backpack and doing the "I'm dancing with the whole party" dance--where you get up on a chair/table/what-have-you. I kept calling him my boyfriend, and I got up on a table next to him to dance with him. 


Ended up on a roof overlooking downtown. Alternated between laughing at people falling in the street and spitting more seeds at the tops of people's heads. 


Later, while still on the roof, decided that I would climb on top of a higher roof. A few people have told me that I was sliding in my heels and tights down the side of the roof and into a tree, then almost hit a barbed wire fence before realizing that the roof I wanted to climb on was a good twenty feet out of my reach. I kept yelling, "I got this."


Somehow did not die and ended up on the roof where the party was once again. I didn't really recognize anyone so when I got another orange I started spitting seeds at these girls who were two feet in front of me. They, naturally, kept turning around and yelling at me. So I put another piece of tangerine in my mouth and chewed it for a second, then spit the whole piece at one girl's exposed back.


And after that, well, I have no idea really. But my left knee doesn't work anymore.

Weapon of Choice.

Me (#4)

Someone (me, maybe?) spilled a ton of beer on the dance floor of a party I was at last night. This meant that my go-to dance move was sliding all over the place. I started dancing with a really nice friend of mine and all of a sudden he was on the ground. I thought he had tripped, so I started laughing very hard. 


Turns out he had busted his knee somehow and was seriously injured. When I helped him off the dance floor he looked at me and said, "Did you see what happened? I was just dancing and I felt like someone kicked the side of my knee." Then someone drove him to the hospital.


If memory serves, I had developed a slide-kick move at that point. 

Gross #18 (Puking)

Quick update on my trip to Miami: Two nights in a row now, my friend Ashley has puked so hard she peed on the floor. (We're calling it peeking.) I puked out the window of a taxi last night, and two girls we know puked on the street twice each. One of them also puked in the lobby of Ashley's apartment building. This morning I woke up with three other people in Ashley's bed, wearing Ashley's sweater-dress and no pants or underwear.

Airplane (Things I Hate)

I usually prefer to talk about how I'm gross and leave hate to other people, but I am on an airplane, so here is a list of things I hate (airplane wifi is not a thing I hate):

1. This one guy who is wearing the dumbest hat. It's like a beret, but it's puffy around the sides, flat on top, and kind of rolls up in the back.
2. His dumb kid! This kid was, like, demanding math problems from his awful dad. Shut up! Math is the worst!
3. The dumb math problems he actually gave his kid. He said "2+2," and the kid was like "THAT'S EASY, give me a hard one," and he said "what's half of 2+2?" And the kid said 2, and he said no, and then the kid said 1, and he said no again, and then then he said "what's half of 2?" and the kid said 1, and he said "plus 2?" and the kid said 2, and he said "no," and the kid said 3, and he said "FINALLY you got it." Way to go, your dumb kid is going to be as confused about math as he is obnoxious.
4. This guy's accent.
5. The guy sitting behind me who started carefully telling his kid that the stewards and stewardesses are the teachers, and we have to listen to our teachers. You shut up too, that is such a dumb thing to think you need to tell your kid!
6. The fact that when a steward came by, this fucking dad stopped him to tell him about the dumb thing he just told his kid.
7. The fact that this steward actually used to be a teacher.
8. The fact that the steward was REALLY into it.
9. The fact that this guy asked him if he likes being a steward better than he likes teaching, and was so into the answer, which was yes.
10. The fact that the steward got so into this little farce he has been talking to them throughout the whole flight.
11. The fact that the steward said "Are you ready to go to space? Want to stop by the moon and see what's going on there?"
12. The fact that the steward told the kid that if he was good he would give him a special treat, and then came back five minutes later and said "are you ready for your special treat?" like an old pervert.
13. The fact that I totally missed what the special treat was. I bet it was cookies.
14. The little portable DVD players this guy and his kid are both watching without headphones.
15. The crazy-faced crazy lady stewardess who looked completely fucking scandalized when I asked her if I could get past her to go to the bathroom.
16. Racism.
17. Genocide.

Gross #17

I had dinner with a guy I fuck sometimes named Wade last night, and it was the first time I'd ever spent any time with him sober. We went to sort of a nice restaurant. About ten minutes in he admitted that he got my friend Jeremy's number and called him about me earlier, to find out whether or not I'm a serial killer. That weirded me out a lot. The next day, Jeremy and I had breakfast and he told me Wade basically said this:

"We're always wasted when we see each other, so he pretty much just tells me I'm beautiful for a half hour and then pukes."

-Wade

Me. (#3)

Two nights ago I went to a bar and met a magician. His name was Magic Jay. He performed a series of card tricks which, as I drank more, became more and more amazing. When I went home and took off my clothes, I found an Ace of Hearts in my bra. I don't really know how that happened.