Me (#4)

Someone (me, maybe?) spilled a ton of beer on the dance floor of a party I was at last night. This meant that my go-to dance move was sliding all over the place. I started dancing with a really nice friend of mine and all of a sudden he was on the ground. I thought he had tripped, so I started laughing very hard. 


Turns out he had busted his knee somehow and was seriously injured. When I helped him off the dance floor he looked at me and said, "Did you see what happened? I was just dancing and I felt like someone kicked the side of my knee." Then someone drove him to the hospital.


If memory serves, I had developed a slide-kick move at that point. 

Gross #18 (Puking)

Quick update on my trip to Miami: Two nights in a row now, my friend Ashley has puked so hard she peed on the floor. (We're calling it peeking.) I puked out the window of a taxi last night, and two girls we know puked on the street twice each. One of them also puked in the lobby of Ashley's apartment building. This morning I woke up with three other people in Ashley's bed, wearing Ashley's sweater-dress and no pants or underwear.

Airplane (Things I Hate)

I usually prefer to talk about how I'm gross and leave hate to other people, but I am on an airplane, so here is a list of things I hate (airplane wifi is not a thing I hate):

1. This one guy who is wearing the dumbest hat. It's like a beret, but it's puffy around the sides, flat on top, and kind of rolls up in the back.
2. His dumb kid! This kid was, like, demanding math problems from his awful dad. Shut up! Math is the worst!
3. The dumb math problems he actually gave his kid. He said "2+2," and the kid was like "THAT'S EASY, give me a hard one," and he said "what's half of 2+2?" And the kid said 2, and he said no, and then the kid said 1, and he said no again, and then then he said "what's half of 2?" and the kid said 1, and he said "plus 2?" and the kid said 2, and he said "no," and the kid said 3, and he said "FINALLY you got it." Way to go, your dumb kid is going to be as confused about math as he is obnoxious.
4. This guy's accent.
5. The guy sitting behind me who started carefully telling his kid that the stewards and stewardesses are the teachers, and we have to listen to our teachers. You shut up too, that is such a dumb thing to think you need to tell your kid!
6. The fact that when a steward came by, this fucking dad stopped him to tell him about the dumb thing he just told his kid.
7. The fact that this steward actually used to be a teacher.
8. The fact that the steward was REALLY into it.
9. The fact that this guy asked him if he likes being a steward better than he likes teaching, and was so into the answer, which was yes.
10. The fact that the steward got so into this little farce he has been talking to them throughout the whole flight.
11. The fact that the steward said "Are you ready to go to space? Want to stop by the moon and see what's going on there?"
12. The fact that the steward told the kid that if he was good he would give him a special treat, and then came back five minutes later and said "are you ready for your special treat?" like an old pervert.
13. The fact that I totally missed what the special treat was. I bet it was cookies.
14. The little portable DVD players this guy and his kid are both watching without headphones.
15. The crazy-faced crazy lady stewardess who looked completely fucking scandalized when I asked her if I could get past her to go to the bathroom.
16. Racism.
17. Genocide.

Gross #17

I had dinner with a guy I fuck sometimes named Wade last night, and it was the first time I'd ever spent any time with him sober. We went to sort of a nice restaurant. About ten minutes in he admitted that he got my friend Jeremy's number and called him about me earlier, to find out whether or not I'm a serial killer. That weirded me out a lot. The next day, Jeremy and I had breakfast and he told me Wade basically said this:

"We're always wasted when we see each other, so he pretty much just tells me I'm beautiful for a half hour and then pukes."

-Wade

Me. (#3)

Two nights ago I went to a bar and met a magician. His name was Magic Jay. He performed a series of card tricks which, as I drank more, became more and more amazing. When I went home and took off my clothes, I found an Ace of Hearts in my bra. I don't really know how that happened.

This out-of-control spending spree is OVER.

A friend of mine was recently hired to do a commercial about tax cuts for a conservative Republican organization. He did the voiceovers himself the first time, and they asked him to use someone else's voice. He asked me to do it. So here that is.

Facebook

Can't believe he saw that.

Alaska.

This is a tale that was passed to me from my dear friend who has been living this year in a house in Alaska doing volunteer work. As you can imagine, she has some incredible stories, most of which she writes on her gorgeous Alaska blog. The best stories, of course, can never be posted where her family can read them: 


Yesterday I woke up and was super sick to my stomach. Took a shower. Still sick. Didn't brush my teeth, because I knew it'd make me throw up. Left the house. On the porch I noticed that it was a super clear morning and it was still pitch black, so I could see every star in the sky. And then I put my head down to walk down the stairs. And immediately vomit next to the driveway.


Have a mildly shitty day, and then I get home, I feel like I should check on my vomit and probably bury it. But when I get back it's frozen, and all the clumps of dirt near it are frozen. So I put a log over it.

And the thing that's sad, or perhaps make it "the worst," is that the thing I ate too late at night was a vegetable stir fry, and if you knew how expensive vegetables are here, and how rare it is that I eat stir fry, you would know the true tragedy of then throwing it up.

My Cousin Part 2.

Well, we had another family gathering recently, and guess who I got to spend a good deal of time with? 

He has a cell phone. He now text messages me.


3:55PM: Cool dude. Awesome dude 101.


He has a signature on his texts. And then I got this one:


6:45PM: You look nice in black... Awesome dude 101.


Yep.