Monday, January 31, 2011
Bowling Alley Attendant
After ordering my third dollar hot dog from the man working the food counter at the bowling alley, he looked at me and said, "Wow. I think your girls might turn into a hot dog!"
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Gross #20 (Coral's butthole)
Last week, my friend Jeremy bleached my friend Coral's asshole. He sent me this picture with a caption that said "It's winking at me."
Saturday, January 8, 2011
New life, new awful.
I have just moved from a town which I hated more with each passing day, to one where I think I can actually have a genuinely not-awful life. However, no transition can be fully seamless. There are two parts to this story: me doing stupid stuff, and a strange person being very strange.
My second day in town was New Year's Eve, which I spent trying to be as drunk and happily raucous as possible. I think I succeeded: after trolling bars and funk concerts with my cousin for a person - any person - to kiss at midnight, I wound up at a party being thrown by no one I knew, accompanied only by my cousin and a couple of friends. I managed, in my drunken stupor, to find and sidle up to the only attractive, available, AND straight man at the party. Within ten minutes we were making out. Within forty minutes, my cousin had given up on getting my attention and decided to walk the long several miles home himself. Shortly thereafter, I was trying to convince my new friend to ditch his friends and his little sister to come home with me. He gave me his number anyway.
The next day, I already had my very first date in my new town. It was not with New Year's Eve Guy; it was arranged on the dating website I'd joined the day I arrived here. Excited by the possibilities of meeting as many new people as possible (likely in an attempt to mentally drown some of the truly awful people I'd left behind), I did not find it at all strange that a person I'd been talking to for all of twenty minutes combined wanted to meet me so soon. So, I show up at the generic bar I'd been asked to go to, having been told by my date that it was the most decent place he could go at the moment, since he didn't drive and it was walking distance from his place.
I wait for fifteen minutes, and no one has turned up. In the meanwhile, New Year's Eve Guy texts me to see if I'd like to hang out with him. Already becoming annoyed by my date's lateness, I tell him that I'm busy at the moment, but that I might be able to see him later that evening. I text my date to tell him that I'm sitting at the end of the bar. Five minutes later, he responds "Coming, coming." This angers me, so I do what any awful person would: text her friend exactly what is happening. The conversation went as follows.
Me: Date is now obnoxiously late, but says he's on his way, and a cuter boy is texting me to hang out. Make obnoxious pay for my pre-gaming for hottie? Yup. Happening.
Response: Haha niiiice.
Except, the response is not from my comrade-in-awful. It is from New Year's Eve Guy, who I have just accidentally revealed myself to. The conversation continues.
Me: That was NOT meant for you.
NYEG: Too late!
Me: At least you know I like you better? Seriously, who makes a girl wait for 40 minutes?
NYEG: What a shmuck
Me: Agreed. Would you still be okay with hanging out despite my hilarious faux-pas?
He agrees. I close out my tab (which consists of me ordering an Abita root beer to go, simply so that I can tip the bartender for serving me nothing but pints of water for the past 45 minutes), text Obnoxious that I've decided to leave, and meet NYEG at a different bar. We proceed to have a great time, until I get some odd texts.
Obnoxious: Fuck i got into a wreck.
Me: Shit, are you okay? I already left but I hope it's not too bad.
No response. I show NYEG; he already knows what was happening, might as well let him in on the rest. We both express our confusion (remember, kids: Obnoxious supposedly doesn't drive), awkward-feeling, and guilt for not really understanding or caring too much.
Later, at 1 am, after me and NYEG have been spending the last handful of hours having a great time together, the following text arrives.
Obnoxious: I just left hospital and have no way to get home. What a night.
I don't respond, because I don't really know what to say. NYEG and I are confused. Does he expect me, a total stranger, to help him out? Doesn't he have anyone else to help him? Why did he leave if he can't get home? We are obviously both awful people for speculating on this so much and not really caring about it; maybe that's why we were hitting it off.
But then! Exactly half an hour after that, at 1:30 am...
Obnoxious: Well im home. Sorry about the sudden accident and i hope i can still meet you
He cannot still meet me. I am having a good time with someone else who does not seem to be a very confused person. I mean, how did he get home so quickly, when only a half hour ago he had no way to get home?
Feeling a bit guilty about all this, I text Obnoxious the next day asking if he's okay. He basically says it's pretty minor, and I debate whether to respond, thinking that even if this bad thing did happen to him, there's something very strange about it all. Lo and behold, before I've even come to a decision, he texts me just a few minutes later.
Obnoxious: Hey whats up? Would you like to do something next week or something?
"Hey whats up?" Why do you have to greet me right now? Weren't we just kind of having a conversation already? I don't respond. Mere hours later, he texts again: "Guess not, good luck."
I am very, very annoyed by passive aggression, and decide to write this person off totally. Unfortunately, he is not done with me. The next day, he sees me online on the dating website and instant messages me.
Obnoxious: yo
Me: hey, how are you feeling?
Obnoxious: good, did you get my texts?
Pro-tip, people of the world: DO NOT write off my attempt to be nice and ask you about your health after your supposed minor hospital stint in order to hassle me - AGAIN - about not giving you attention. I give a bullshit reason for not responding, and blow off his next attempts to make plans with me.
The next day, he messages me again, with a simple "sup." I do not respond. The following day, he messages me saying, without preamble, "lets do something."
Clearly, this person does not get the picture. I no longer feel bad about not feeling bad enough about his accident, and now I actually seriously doubt that ever happened in the first place.
The day after "lets do something" I get another message. It says, "do you have a chance to talk? i'm having a bad day."
I do not have a chance to talk, I don't know you, and I don't care. That is all.
P.S. Obnoxious says he was in this band I like called Deer Tick, but the entire internet is unable to confirm this claim.
My second day in town was New Year's Eve, which I spent trying to be as drunk and happily raucous as possible. I think I succeeded: after trolling bars and funk concerts with my cousin for a person - any person - to kiss at midnight, I wound up at a party being thrown by no one I knew, accompanied only by my cousin and a couple of friends. I managed, in my drunken stupor, to find and sidle up to the only attractive, available, AND straight man at the party. Within ten minutes we were making out. Within forty minutes, my cousin had given up on getting my attention and decided to walk the long several miles home himself. Shortly thereafter, I was trying to convince my new friend to ditch his friends and his little sister to come home with me. He gave me his number anyway.
The next day, I already had my very first date in my new town. It was not with New Year's Eve Guy; it was arranged on the dating website I'd joined the day I arrived here. Excited by the possibilities of meeting as many new people as possible (likely in an attempt to mentally drown some of the truly awful people I'd left behind), I did not find it at all strange that a person I'd been talking to for all of twenty minutes combined wanted to meet me so soon. So, I show up at the generic bar I'd been asked to go to, having been told by my date that it was the most decent place he could go at the moment, since he didn't drive and it was walking distance from his place.
I wait for fifteen minutes, and no one has turned up. In the meanwhile, New Year's Eve Guy texts me to see if I'd like to hang out with him. Already becoming annoyed by my date's lateness, I tell him that I'm busy at the moment, but that I might be able to see him later that evening. I text my date to tell him that I'm sitting at the end of the bar. Five minutes later, he responds "Coming, coming." This angers me, so I do what any awful person would: text her friend exactly what is happening. The conversation went as follows.
Me: Date is now obnoxiously late, but says he's on his way, and a cuter boy is texting me to hang out. Make obnoxious pay for my pre-gaming for hottie? Yup. Happening.
Response: Haha niiiice.
Except, the response is not from my comrade-in-awful. It is from New Year's Eve Guy, who I have just accidentally revealed myself to. The conversation continues.
Me: That was NOT meant for you.
NYEG: Too late!
Me: At least you know I like you better? Seriously, who makes a girl wait for 40 minutes?
NYEG: What a shmuck
Me: Agreed. Would you still be okay with hanging out despite my hilarious faux-pas?
He agrees. I close out my tab (which consists of me ordering an Abita root beer to go, simply so that I can tip the bartender for serving me nothing but pints of water for the past 45 minutes), text Obnoxious that I've decided to leave, and meet NYEG at a different bar. We proceed to have a great time, until I get some odd texts.
Obnoxious: Fuck i got into a wreck.
Me: Shit, are you okay? I already left but I hope it's not too bad.
No response. I show NYEG; he already knows what was happening, might as well let him in on the rest. We both express our confusion (remember, kids: Obnoxious supposedly doesn't drive), awkward-feeling, and guilt for not really understanding or caring too much.
Later, at 1 am, after me and NYEG have been spending the last handful of hours having a great time together, the following text arrives.
Obnoxious: I just left hospital and have no way to get home. What a night.
I don't respond, because I don't really know what to say. NYEG and I are confused. Does he expect me, a total stranger, to help him out? Doesn't he have anyone else to help him? Why did he leave if he can't get home? We are obviously both awful people for speculating on this so much and not really caring about it; maybe that's why we were hitting it off.
But then! Exactly half an hour after that, at 1:30 am...
Obnoxious: Well im home. Sorry about the sudden accident and i hope i can still meet you
He cannot still meet me. I am having a good time with someone else who does not seem to be a very confused person. I mean, how did he get home so quickly, when only a half hour ago he had no way to get home?
Feeling a bit guilty about all this, I text Obnoxious the next day asking if he's okay. He basically says it's pretty minor, and I debate whether to respond, thinking that even if this bad thing did happen to him, there's something very strange about it all. Lo and behold, before I've even come to a decision, he texts me just a few minutes later.
Obnoxious: Hey whats up? Would you like to do something next week or something?
"Hey whats up?" Why do you have to greet me right now? Weren't we just kind of having a conversation already? I don't respond. Mere hours later, he texts again: "Guess not, good luck."
I am very, very annoyed by passive aggression, and decide to write this person off totally. Unfortunately, he is not done with me. The next day, he sees me online on the dating website and instant messages me.
Obnoxious: yo
Me: hey, how are you feeling?
Obnoxious: good, did you get my texts?
Pro-tip, people of the world: DO NOT write off my attempt to be nice and ask you about your health after your supposed minor hospital stint in order to hassle me - AGAIN - about not giving you attention. I give a bullshit reason for not responding, and blow off his next attempts to make plans with me.
The next day, he messages me again, with a simple "sup." I do not respond. The following day, he messages me saying, without preamble, "lets do something."
Clearly, this person does not get the picture. I no longer feel bad about not feeling bad enough about his accident, and now I actually seriously doubt that ever happened in the first place.
The day after "lets do something" I get another message. It says, "do you have a chance to talk? i'm having a bad day."
I do not have a chance to talk, I don't know you, and I don't care. That is all.
P.S. Obnoxious says he was in this band I like called Deer Tick, but the entire internet is unable to confirm this claim.
Gross #19 (The most foul thing)
I was dancing with some friends last night. There was a terrible smell around us, and it started to get unbearable after a little bit. My friend Jeremy leaned over to me and said:
"It smells like when someone busts in your asshole, and then you poop it out the next morning."
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Me, on New Years Eve.
I began the night with so very much hope. I had even put on my sparkly tights.
After going to a few parties and keeping the drinking to a minimum (oh, look, I am an adult) I spent midnight by myself at a party because I was unable to find the people I was supposed to be meeting there. Instead of feeling disappointed or lonely, I felt amazing. As all the strangers surrounding me sucked face, I looked up at the fireworks going off and enjoyed the snow falling all around me.
This is my year! And I can be whoever I want! And I'm doing great! Praise to the Universe!
Then I found my friends, knocked back all the champagne I could get my hands on, and the night turned.
Here's what I have been able to piece together:
I stole a bunch of tangerines, then gave pieces to everyone I ran into and encouraged them to play my new favorite game: spitting seeds at people. This began at the first party, with the snow machine, so that the seeds blended in with the snow, so no one really noticed.
Then I went to a club where I fell in love with a man who was wearing a backpack and doing the "I'm dancing with the whole party" dance--where you get up on a chair/table/what-have-you. I kept calling him my boyfriend, and I got up on a table next to him to dance with him.
Ended up on a roof overlooking downtown. Alternated between laughing at people falling in the street and spitting more seeds at the tops of people's heads.
Later, while still on the roof, decided that I would climb on top of a higher roof. A few people have told me that I was sliding in my heels and tights down the side of the roof and into a tree, then almost hit a barbed wire fence before realizing that the roof I wanted to climb on was a good twenty feet out of my reach. I kept yelling, "I got this."
Somehow did not die and ended up on the roof where the party was once again. I didn't really recognize anyone so when I got another orange I started spitting seeds at these girls who were two feet in front of me. They, naturally, kept turning around and yelling at me. So I put another piece of tangerine in my mouth and chewed it for a second, then spit the whole piece at one girl's exposed back.
And after that, well, I have no idea really. But my left knee doesn't work anymore.
After going to a few parties and keeping the drinking to a minimum (oh, look, I am an adult) I spent midnight by myself at a party because I was unable to find the people I was supposed to be meeting there. Instead of feeling disappointed or lonely, I felt amazing. As all the strangers surrounding me sucked face, I looked up at the fireworks going off and enjoyed the snow falling all around me.
This is my year! And I can be whoever I want! And I'm doing great! Praise to the Universe!
Then I found my friends, knocked back all the champagne I could get my hands on, and the night turned.
Here's what I have been able to piece together:
I stole a bunch of tangerines, then gave pieces to everyone I ran into and encouraged them to play my new favorite game: spitting seeds at people. This began at the first party, with the snow machine, so that the seeds blended in with the snow, so no one really noticed.
Then I went to a club where I fell in love with a man who was wearing a backpack and doing the "I'm dancing with the whole party" dance--where you get up on a chair/table/what-have-you. I kept calling him my boyfriend, and I got up on a table next to him to dance with him.
Ended up on a roof overlooking downtown. Alternated between laughing at people falling in the street and spitting more seeds at the tops of people's heads.
Later, while still on the roof, decided that I would climb on top of a higher roof. A few people have told me that I was sliding in my heels and tights down the side of the roof and into a tree, then almost hit a barbed wire fence before realizing that the roof I wanted to climb on was a good twenty feet out of my reach. I kept yelling, "I got this."
Somehow did not die and ended up on the roof where the party was once again. I didn't really recognize anyone so when I got another orange I started spitting seeds at these girls who were two feet in front of me. They, naturally, kept turning around and yelling at me. So I put another piece of tangerine in my mouth and chewed it for a second, then spit the whole piece at one girl's exposed back.
And after that, well, I have no idea really. But my left knee doesn't work anymore.
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| Weapon of Choice. |
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